10 days in I am still writing and publishing a Medium article every day … oh, or perhaps one day I didn’t actually … when I submitted that one which I think is my best so far to the publication The Ascent.
I’m so so so fucking tired.
Was up far too late the night before last.
Last night would have been a pretty OK night’s sleep … actually, it wasn’t even that bad — Mel woke having wet herself, but that wasn’t until like 4 am anyway.
It’s from the night before — went to be at 3ish I think, and up at like 5.30.
Yeah, that is what’s done it.
Anyway — journal — everything seems super awesome right now.
Ramjet phoned me yesterday to say he has 2 clients he wants to hand over to me — and so all of a sudden my development business seems to be really setup for some decent scaling — I need to find another developer now. I spoke to Nimrod and Whippit about renting out that one room for myself, and it looks like I’m going to do that. I’m super super excited about this.
I mean, I’m more tired right in this moment than excited, but generally speaking I’m excited.
Perhaps I will publish this … Blech! I just don’t know …. A part of me feels that I should … this is 2019 .. people spew their thoughts out into the world constantly .. why shouldn’t I.
I’m sorry if you are reading this and feel like your time is wasted.
I wonder if directors of and actors in horrible films feel like that too or not.
A lot of time gets wasted in the modern age.
I am going to post this.
You are still reading so you are getting something from it, even if that is just the hope of anticipating that it might get better. Perhaps a hit of angry dopamine (is that a thing ?!? is that how biology works ?!) when you find there isn’t. If so, please, leave me a comment.
What else…
I’m working on the cubby today. My father is coming to help. We are going to get the deck of the bottom floor laid. That is pretty supremo awesome. I had my structural engineer friend come and look at it this week too. He had some suggestions for adjusting the weight distribution and fixing the splitting I’m getting in some of the poles. I’m going to take those one. I’ll check in with George about it too before I do — but it seems solid. (pun not intended)
So tired. Man I wish I wasn’t on a coffee abstinence. So could go a coffee right now. Hmmm ….
It is still only 6.30. Am I so tired I could go back to sleep for a couple of hours. Maybe if I eat something first. Specifically a burrito — Sarah made burritos the other night … they were so good .. I want one now.
I guess I’m going to go change all of the names .. I want this writing to be read as fiction. … hmmm … now that seems even worse, what if the people read it and then see the names I’ve given them and feel offended by that.
I guess that is the big fear, and the reason I am forcing myself to do all of this (as in, write my thoughts and post them publicly), is I want to get over not speaking my thoughts because I’m afraid of being judged for them.
My biggest fear is that I’m just too weird to fit into this world. I don’t feel that actively so much really — not as a constant — not since becoming a father. But I am in the habit of not speaking. And while I think that is for the most part a virtue — when I stay quiet for fear of being judged harshly for what I think, then I think I do a disservice to myself and to whomever I’m talking to.
So — I’m still going. Thank you so so very much for reading this. I think I’m going to write some more. I’ll let you know how the deck turns out, and if I ever get that sleep.
Be well.
