I think I’ve decided to leave my job.
But I haven’t quite decided that yet, and writing this article today is going to help me to decide.
No one tells you to stay in an abusive relationship
I was thinking about how jobs and relationships are different in this way.
If you are in an abusive relationship, nobody ever suggests you should stay.
No one will encourage you to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, that doesn’t allow you to be your true self, or where you are treated unkindly. No one says, “what if you can’t find another relationship and you are left destitute?”
Actually, that is really a contemporary cultural norm .. it was only a generation ago where a woman might well be asked exactly that question. These days it is considered abhorrent to encourage someone to stay in a bad relationship in case they never find a better one.
Yet people will still say that about your job.
It’s often considered an unrealistic, idealist, even selfish notion to expect happiness and kind treatment from your job.
A little bit of context about myself and this job
I’m not taking a leap of faith here if I do decide to leave.
I have a side business which brings in more money than this job; it just doesn’t give me holiday pay, or the “guarantee” of ongoing work, or the association of global corporate brand which means working on really huge impactful projects.
But my side business does, for the most part, make me happy.
I’m calling it a “side business” now. It was a front-and-centre business until I put it aside to take on this corporate job, about 2 years ago. I started this corporate job full time then, and I put the business almost completely away.
Recently, 6 months ago, I went part time in my job, because I wasn’t very happy and I needed to change something. And then I brought my business back to the status of a side business, because I needed a bit more income than the job brought in part time, and because I waned to.
I started my own business a decade ago, when I became a father for the first time, and I realised that I had to model for this kid what life can be, and what it should be like; and damned if I was going to remain in a job that I didn’t love and have my kid think that was fine.
I had corporate jobs before starting my own business, some OK, some less OK, usually only lasting about a year or two before I felt the need to move on. I always had the idea that I wanted to start my own business, but it wasn’t until I became a father that I finally found the motivation to actually do it.
From honeymoon to partial separation
This job was different though, when I started with it. The company had a radically different way of operating, and that drew me to it. In the interview the founder told me, amongst other benefits, that I could work on whatever I chose; I had to get him to confirm that, and he did, he said “what is the use of getting people to do work that they are not passionate about?” He also asked me how I thought I’d go coming back into an ordinary corporate job after so long working for myself, and I replied honestly that I wouldn’t return to a regular corporate job but that from what I had heard about the company it was far from regular. He appreciated that response.
And at first it really was wonderful. I had total autonomy, and I got to work with some very gifted people on some really amazing projects. I worked hard and I earned millions in revenue for the company in the projects I ran.
But it changed over the years.
It grew fat, for one, from about 400 staff to three times that. Not that I would leave a company for getting fat of course, the thing is it got mean too. It stopped trusting me. It wanted to watch me constantly, and it stopped caring about the ideals it had once held high, and became unpleasant to be around, and ordinary.
I thought maybe I could help it to find it’s way again, and became involved in the global strategic operating group. But it didn’t want to change back to what it had been, it was moving in a different direction.
So I went part time. A partial separation. And that was a relief, but I was still unhappy. And it has only gotten worse. And now I’m at a point where I feel sick thinking about having to attend more meetings with certain colleagues. I don’t feel in any way valued or appreciated, and I don’t feel comfortable to be myself.
But there is still a voice in me that says I shouldn’t leave it.
First the Pros (of the job / of staying)
- The “stability” of a job
- Getting holiday pay
- Getting paid even when there isn’t a particular client project to be working on / not needing to create my own work pipeline
- Association with a big brand means moving in much more influential circles than my own business does
- The job still does have flexibility around when and I where I work (which separates it from some other jobs, unlike the previous points)
- There are still some great people to work with left, and while the main culture is unfriendly, there is the possibility of my creating a circle with a few great key folk and working on a cool project with a cool team
Now the Cons
- I feel unhappy, I even feel sick when I think about needing to work with certain people
- I am not valued nor appreciated and so I do not have any job satisfaction
- I earn more working my own business
(the is the possibility of a pay rise in the job, but there is no concrete timeline on when that might be processed) - Working on my own business has space and creates opportunities for business models other than money-for-hours-worked
- Life is short and I want my life to be awesome;
When I was younger and I wasn’t sure which choice to make, I would imagine my life was a book and I was the main character, and I would ask, “what would be the coolest thing for the main character to do now in this story?” and in no book that I would like to read is the answer to that question, “stay in an ordinary corporate job that makes them unhappy because it provides financial security.”
The decision
I think I’ve decided to go.
But I haven’t decided yet, there is still that possibility of working with a different team with good people on a good project …
Blech!
What would you do ?
